Pencarian Menuju Tujuan

"Love and heartache are the major inspirations.
Despair is the next - lost and grief, that is" - an unknown poet

It is the time when you thought you will be fine because nothing comes too sudden actually. You have picked up some clues or signs here and there that this day is going to happen, very soon. You choose to believe that either you will be strong enough or it won't affect you that much because you thought you are not close enough to the person. But you are human, who tend to overestimate yourself, whose understanding of situation is incomplete because you push yourself too hard and you want to keep being strong. Maybe because you don't want to look weak. Maybe because you want to be reliable and to be role model and care too much of other people more. In a good way and in a bad way. Or maybe, just maybe, you just simply being trained for the longest time you could remember that you get used to it already. You are numb - for hurting yourself. You take it as a norm that it should be the way. It's just how things supposed to work. Full stop.

You are getting older, every single day actually. But you start to leave the you who are passionate to chase your dreams. Who have exciting plans to look forward every other months or quarter of the year at least. Someone who squeze her time, put the deepest thought and channel the proper energy to achieve what she wants without sweat and tears because you - yes, you - are capable of doing what you want to do. You always find way or given the way to prove your worth, what you deserve and to get people acknowledge that. Which somehow you continuously thirst for that. Sounds a bit bitter yeah.

You don't always get what you want. That's the fact and you know that. Although it still hurts and it's quite disappointing that it has been long since you win something or achieve something which you can be proud of, which bring you that awesome feeling when you share your journey to people. But that's okay..you know you are trying so hard to comfort yourself.

You are getting tired and instead of acknowledging this is your fault, that your plan screwed up because you weren't aware and worked hard enough, and probably there is something wrong with you, and somewhere - part of you - need to be fixed...instead of all those things, you act normal by saying "Everything in His time and in His way." You say that you are now afraid and kinda don't wish to think about it too much. Refusing to have your thoughts occupied by that particular thing: your own phase of life while trying as much as you can to shoo the pressure from "outsider" away.

You thought you will be fine and will fly back to your country because you need to. Not so much because you want to. Your rationale is because you don't see each other that often. Your logic is telling you that you don't even talk much to him and you have this respect-but-rather-feel-distant feeling. Border line with scared to him or afraid you say wrong things according to norm, tradition or custom. Things you won't bother so much about other people opinion but his. One way or another, because you owe him much. Not only material per say but you also owe him a debt of gratitude. And this, you will never be able to pay back. Because even if you pay multiple amount of money you owe, you don't return it when he (or his family) needs it. Not in the same situation as yours, when he gave you. And that contributes to where you are now, the place you live and work now.

So you see, relationship is not measured by thinking but more of a feeling. And time can't be used as the parameter value to measure how close you are or how close you feel. No matter how strong you think you are. No matter how sure you think you will be perfectly fine. The freaking damn truth is your mind was empty and floating when you received the news. The fact is apparently you still need alcohol for the night to make you sleep with tears flowing on your cheek without you can hold it and smile on your face because of the mix feeling and struggle you had internally. Because the memories of your (close) friends losing their mothers were coming back to you and you realized you might not be ready for this kind of news although it's part of life.

You witness the sadness, cry and tears, how people recall the memories they had with the deceased. You realized the irony whereby this kind of event - funeral - actually can reunite the big family together. Your parents sit down in the round table and have meal together with their siblings and in laws. Exchange stories, discuss social issues, telling about how their lives are now with some jokes slip in once in a while. Things you don't really see every year. Because adult, simply have lesser time and opportunity for it. They can even get "traffic jam" as an excuse for not joining such event. Too far, they say. And tired. Yeah, being old is sucks, huh?

You can't make sense your friend whose sense of attachment is rather dysfunctional. Because you can just easily get someone close to you or emotionally attached to you. You never scared of that. You dare to love and dare to hate. The problem you have is to get them much committed or fully committed to hold you enough, not to let you go. You probably forget how is it to be alone. When you are single, you will try pretty much daring things and people might say your life becomes more interesting (and happening). Which then you will be thinking, is it supposed to be that way? And if that is so true, isn't your relationship in a wrong manner? Does it - in another words - mean you were with the wrong person? Shouldn't your life become more exciting when you are with the right person? For the simplest reason, because you will be doing awesome things together with your better half. So everything supposed to be better. You'd be probably not creating story, you'd be creating history!

Well, at the end of the day,  you should learn to accept the fact and move on. Don't overly cling on something (or someone) because sometimes, letting them go is the best way for both of you. Anyway, on the second half of this year, you will have another story to tell to people you know. You will embrace the challenge and step outside your comfort zone. You will wander around the land which language you can't speak. For one more time, you will strike off one more thing from your (crazy, hippie and random) bucket list. So be grateful for that! Life is not like a two dimentional thing with only ups and downs, it's more of a disco ball with uneven surface. Depending on what light colors and from which angles you see it. It will be different in many ways, many. But still fancy! In the meantime, enjoy the music! ;)

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