Pencarian Menuju Tujuan

I need to start writing. I want to start writing. I must start writing. Because without writing, I am nobody. I lost myself without writing. And without writing, I am just pretending. Because writing is where my life is. Because writing is waiting...for me. For me to come back home. To see myself in that very sweet home. To have myself - the true me - keep alive, after the problem storm. Without writing, I have lost myself.

Everything started when I woke up one morning and found my brother's message via whatsapp. He thanked me for the card (and the gift) that I send for them: my mom and himself, as birthday presents. He told me that my mom keep crying although my siblings have read it for her like...three times already. Nothing much that I can remember about what I wrote down on the card actually, the main thing is just I shared to her how my condition is...

There was a time when I was down and questioned about the purpose of my life. I didn't have any enthusiasm in writing and in a way it took a long time for me to make a simple post: final year students' problem (Currently it's still stuck in the draft folder). I'm no longer involve in my religious community as Cell Group Leader because of working commitment. And there I was. Found myself with no purpose.

During my high school life, I wanted to study abroad. Why? Because that's what my mom wants.
During my university life, I wanted to graduate early - in 3 years time. Why? Because I want to earn money and support my family.
Now that I'm working already, seems like I don't know what I'm looking forward to.
And marriage seems not in the near time because my bf is even still in 2nd year university. And anyway that's not the main problem.
I'm fine enough with my life last semester. Writing + being a CGL make me feel useful enough, I believe. It's just that these few weeks I start to understand the quote
"When you are young, you have time but you don't have resources (or enough money perhaps?). When you are old, you have resources but you don't have time."

A friend of mine without any particular reason whatsapp me and asked about my condition. In the end I decided to tell him. I think he didn't expect I will answer him that way. Here is his conclusion:
"I guess you are in that stage in life where you just have to stop, put everything on hold and align yourself back to the right direction." -Sebastian Ray, 16th Jan 2013-
I quote his sentences on my mom's bday card. Yeah, I chosed to write in English so that my true feeling won't be expressed well. (I believe I'm good enough in using Bahasa to exaggerate things, hahaha). As what Alvin Surya Tjahyo said, "English memang one of the languages that limits your expression." There's another reason for it. Sometimes, due to the distance that keep you apart, the true situation which is actually can be handled well, seems need to be worried about. I'm kinda scared, the situation which need to be worried, later will seems even worse and cannot be handled anymore. In my personal opinion, it is not a wise decision to make unnecessarily stress. So, I decided to send a card to my mom and tell that I had difficulties in finding "What's the purpose of my life?". The fact that I lost my enthusiasm in writing and how sad it was because the un-used talent is just like a salt without its saltiness.

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot" -Matthew 5:13-

However, I ensure her that everything is under control. I can handle them. I tell her that kind of phase in normal and happened to other people as well, at least...to those who took a wrong major. Not following their passion. Hahaha :P

And after this, I think I will just need a courage to align myself back to the right decision like what Iyan said. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why it is called the present.” -Kung Fu Panda The past is there for us to learn. The damage is done and the most important thing now is whether you want to make a change in your life right or not. My priest said "You must live your life as if today is your last day." Don't live with a disappointment of not doing something that you think it's right. I learned from my friend also:

"I can only say one thing, that's the exact reason why we are human, we are imperfect, that's why we have flaws. Sometimes we make mistakes and missed out things.. Most importantly we need to learn from mistakes and I am sure God will forgive you when you do that." -Vincent Low, 25th Jan 2013 -

He is actually one of the section managers (SM) in my module: Dry Etch. We've talked quite some times and there are some quotes from him actually, but this one is the best one for me so far. *To be honest, I didn't expect he can be so wise like that. Hahaha XD* I must admit that he is friendly and man-of-his-words type of person. And since he is quite young *not even 36 years old. idk his exact age but from the way he says that he is not 36, oh well... I suspect he's still in his early 30s*, I see him as a friend. Not a normal I-know-your-name-and-position-only colleague or acquaintance. I also told about him to my mom. But still, I respect him as one of the SMs.

*lol, writing the previous paragraph makes me wanna write another post about my "family" in DE1. I got uncle and jie jie :) Have I told you? One of my biggest concern working in Singapore was whether I can have a good working environment like I had in Kompas Cyber Media (my internship company, online media in Indonesia) or not; whether I can have friendly friends in my office or not. Winston said "For me, my colleagues are not my friends." at least, they haven't been at the "friends" state yet. I really need to be grateful for what I have in Micron, for what I get, for what my awesome God give me. Yong Keong, another SM, said to me when we had a 1-to-1 chit/a, "...without my colleagues here, I think I've already given up this job."*

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